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The Queen of Sheeeba
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May 2013
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The Queen of Sheeeba [userpic]
So much for "Don't worry, they'll get their's at review time."

No raises or bonuses for anyone this year. My department made money but the fancy shcmancy Regular Business side suffered a rather large loss. Yeup, those fancy shcmancy fuckers who treat us like a Swedish redheaded stepchild.

Those who are regular fuck-ups deserve some sort of punishment. I say, give us with good reviews an extra personal day. But nobody listens to what I say.

I found a Chick Tract in the wild. It's a meta-tract titled He Never Told Us. Some guy dies and the preacher/reverend/pastor tells the gathering that Charlie was a wonderful Christian and everybody in attendance is aghast and shocked. He never told them! They didn't know!

So Charlie is in heaven and God (or perhaps Peter-- God seems to be the one on the shiny throne)tells all his friends-- who are now in hell-- that good ole Charlie found Jesus when he was 9. And then tells Charlie, and I quote: They all have one thing in common now. They all will burn forever.

Then merciful and loving Jesus goes on to tell Charlie it was all his fault for not giving his friends Chick Tracts.

And then come the testimonials. Apparently everyone who gets a Chick Tract is at firts FURIOUS or very angry or squirmy but, when no one is looking, they are really happy about it all, especially once they drop to their knees and feel shame. Oh wait, AFTER the anger, fury, squirming and shame-- THEN receiving Jesus in their hearts makes them, um, something. The tract doesn't even have to be in a language that's understandable. One guy who played in a rock band and was about to commit suicide was saved when his grandmother took him to church. But it wasn't church that saved him. Nope, it was a Chick Tract in Spanish that he didn't even understand that saved him. The pictures did it.

My favorite testimonial was from Lainie Kazan. At least she looked exactly like Lainie Kazan. I wonder if Lainie's father was a Mason and if she, her mother and her sister were all psychics. She's given a Chick Tract which makes her FURIOUS until she checks the Bible against the scriptures in the tract and finds that, whoa! they really ARE in the Bible. Which causes her to fall to her knees and lose her Lainie Kazan hair and boobs and get regular curly Christian hair and tiny Christian boobs.

You know, you can cram a lot of info into twelve tiny two-sided pages. Perhaps now I'll accept Jesus into my heart and get a fucking raise.

ETA: Here it is. Tell me that's not Lainie Kazan.


If you go by Lainie's picture, you do not get a raise. You get an instant perm.

We got no raises in 2009, and in 2010 we're all getting the same miniscule raise. So no reward for good behavior here either.